I feel like I have been walking around with a dark rain cloud over my head these past few weeks. Kind of like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown, except instead of a cloud of dirt surrounding me, the emotional weather of my life has been grey and dreary. This could be from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder – that I think I might suffer from during these months. I tend to throw that term around loosely, but it really could be true. January, February and March have traditionally been hard months for me to push through. We have the cold of winter without the excitement of the holidays.
But Spring does come! Hallelujah.
I got a taste of Spring in my soul this weekend and I finally feel some joy in life again. I spent Friday night and Saturday in Greensboro with committee and leaders in our YL region and it was great. Not only did I get to see lots of people across the state that I know and love, but I got to worship and learn at the feet of those wiser than me. For once, I didn’t have to be the teacher! I just let their words and the truth about Jesus wash over me. My parents were there – it’s always great to see them and hug them and hear my dad sing real loud – and Charlotte, my youngest sister, was with her YL crew too. I’m so glad she was there because she made me laugh. And let me tell you, I just don’t laugh with people the way I do with my siblings. When we’re together, the laughter bubbles from some deep place within me and spills forth in uncontrollable quantities. It’s the best thing ever. We giggle a lot. The other day I was thinking that it had been a while since I’d truly laughed and felt the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Thankfully Charlotte came along at just the right time and helped me tap into that source. If only Will, Emma and Jill could have been there…
That light-hearted feeling lasted all through the night and I found myself glad to be back at Salem and laughing with my girls. I was genuinely glad to see them. They bring a smile to my face and I’ve missed spending time with them lately. Life is good at that sweet school.
I think what happened this weekend is that I realized I need to let go of this sadness and let the rain cloud lift. I need to say goodbye to frustration and anxiety about my job because, let’s be real, it’s just not helping. Are things hard at work? Heck yeah. When people ask me how my job is going, I really only say one thing: “It’s hard.” I can’t say yet: “It’s great!” because I just don’t feel that. But that’s okay. Sometimes things in life are just hard and we do them for the glory of God, not because they make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. As hard as this job is and I’ve found it hard to get out of bed in the morning to face the day, I am reminded that God is with me. And I just need to ask for help. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I’ve allowed myself to get buried under the weight of it all. I need to reach my hand up through the mess and let someone grab hold of it.
I don’t feel like I’ve merely made the decision to “be happy!” and pretend everything is okay. I think what is happening is that I’m remembering these words from my Heavenly Father: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). He is in control. He won’t leave me. He has a plan for me. I’ve got to just remember that and trust it! I can do all things through Him and nothing without Him. Oh that I would not forget this today and tomorrow and the next day. And the next.
So, farewell storm clouds – it’s a new, sunny day and I know the One that brings forth the sun. His light is so much more fun than the darkness.