Friends, *sigh*, like I said before…the clouds are truly lifting. There is light at the end of the tunnel and Jesus is carrying me to it. I’m beyond thankful and humbled by His mercy and grace in my time of need. He’s a good Abba.
So, this week has been good! I truly had a turning point last weekend where I let Jesus hold me and heal me and now I remember the joy I had before. It’s funny, today I met with my friend/counselor Jayne and she asked me how I was doing. You see, last time I sat on her couch, I cried almost the entire time and felt utterly hopeless. She said she was honestly worried about me and when she said she was praying for me, I know she meant it. Today when I sat down, I told her I was doing much better…but that it definitely got worse before it got better. She couldn’t believe it and I was like, “I know.” Last week was dark, dark. But you know what? When we’re that low, there’s really no where to go but up. When we realize that Jesus is really all we have and need, it’s beautiful. I love that story about the man who fell into a pit in the ground. One person walked by and tried to help him by throwing down a rope, but it snapped. Another man came along with…something else, I can’t remember what…and that too didn’t work. Finally, one man came and jumped into the hole with the other guy. The first guy exclaimed, “What are you doing?! Now we’re both stuck down here.” And the other guy said, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.”
I’m thankful for good friends and family who do that for me, who jump into the pit with me and help me back out. I love it when people force me to lift a hand out from under the pile of rocks to reach for their hand. And of course, Jesus jumps right in because He’s with me all along.
Like I said, this week has been better. I feel more at peace and I think I’m finally starting to connect with my students. They seem to finally be settling down and not resisting me as much. Dude, some of them were so mad about being put in my room and wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But once they realized that I wanted to get to know them and I’m not evil-incarnate, they calmed down a little. Oh, I still hear things like, “Pssshhh, see, that’s why I don’t like you, you get on my nerves,” or have kids flip me off when they think I’m not looking. But it’s not everyday. And usually those kids are sweet to me 10 minutes later (middle schoolers are nothing if not bipolar). We laugh together. They show me pictures of their family. They ask me where my husband is and I think, “If you find him first, let me know.” I’ve never felt more white in my life, but I’m learning to work it. Whatever, I’m a dork and I don’t always know the latest musical trends or youtube videos. Who cares because I like middle schoolers and not many people can say that.
It’s not just the kids that are hard – I really am learning to work with them and handle discipline problems efficiently – but it’s also hard getting to know the school and figuring out how the heck I’m gonna teach them what they need to know. There’s a lot of pressure and I’m usually overwhelmed and at my wit’s end with where to start. But I’m asking for help there too and people are stepping up. Sometimes you just gotta say, I NEED THIS, and low and behold, people say ok. And if not, you go somewhere else for help. Either way, it’s important and part of growing up.
I still think this job is extremely hard. I’m not letting myself say after a good day, “Okay, I love this and I’m finally getting the hang of it!” I just drive home and say, “Today was a good day.” Tomorrow will be different – each day has it’s own struggles and joys – but if I know that, I don’t freak out when my students don’t listen to a word I say and think I’m the worst person on the planet. I’m learning not to react emotionally to them because they love that. I’ve gotta keep my cool and remember whose I am.
Today I was rocking out to some old-school Amy Grant in the car (can’t help it, Joanna had me listening to it since before I could talk) and this song came on. I sang it loudly and smiled at the words. Love has found a way into my crazy circumstances because He always does. I really like that about Him.
from Find a Way, Amy Grant
I know this life is a strange thing – I can’t answer all the whys – Tragedy always finds me – Taken again by surprise
I could stand here an angry young woman – Taking all the pain to heart – But I know that love can bring changes – And so we’ve got to move on
Love will find a way (how do you know?) – Love will find a way (how can you see?) – I know it’s hard to see the past and still believe – Love is gonna find a way – I know that love will find a way (a way to go) – Love can make a way (only love can know) – Leave behind the doubt – Love’s the only out – Love will surely find a way
If our God his son not sparing – Came to rescue you – Is there any circumstance – That he can’t see you through?
Love will find a way…