Monthly Archives: February 2011

Love always finds a way

Friends, *sigh*, like I said before…the clouds are truly lifting. There is light at the end of the tunnel and Jesus is carrying me to it. I’m beyond thankful and humbled by His mercy and grace in my time of need. He’s a good Abba.

So, this week has been good! I truly had a turning point last weekend where I let Jesus hold me and heal me and now I remember the joy I had before. It’s funny, today I met with my friend/counselor Jayne and she asked me how I was doing. You see, last time I sat on her couch, I cried almost the entire time and felt utterly hopeless. She said she was honestly worried about me and when she said she was praying for me, I know she meant it. Today when I sat down, I told her I was doing much better…but that it definitely got worse before it got better. She couldn’t believe it and I was like, “I know.” Last week was dark, dark. But you know what? When we’re that low, there’s really no where to go but up. When we realize that Jesus is really all we have and need, it’s beautiful. I love that story about the man who fell into a pit in the ground. One person walked by and tried to help him by throwing down a rope, but it snapped. Another man came along with…something else, I can’t remember what…and that too didn’t work. Finally, one man came and jumped into the hole with the other guy. The first guy exclaimed, “What are you doing?! Now we’re both stuck down here.” And the other guy said, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.”

I’m thankful for good friends and family who do that for me, who jump into the pit with me and help me back out. I love it when people force me to lift a hand out from under the pile of rocks to reach for their hand. And of course, Jesus jumps right in because He’s with me all along.

Like I said, this week has been better. I feel more at peace and I think I’m finally starting to connect with my students. They seem to finally be settling down and not resisting me as much. Dude, some of them were so mad about being put in my room and wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But once they realized that I wanted to get to know them and I’m not evil-incarnate, they calmed down a little. Oh, I still hear things like, “Pssshhh, see, that’s why I don’t like you, you get on my nerves,” or have kids flip me off when they think I’m not looking. But it’s not everyday. And usually those kids are sweet to me 10 minutes later (middle schoolers are nothing if not bipolar). We laugh together. They show me pictures of their family. They ask me where my husband is and I think, “If you find him first, let me know.” I’ve never felt more white in my life, but I’m learning to work it. Whatever, I’m a dork and I don’t always know the latest musical trends or youtube videos. Who cares because I like middle schoolers and not many people can say that.

It’s not just the kids that are hard – I really am learning to work with them and handle discipline problems efficiently – but it’s also hard getting to know the school and figuring out how the heck I’m gonna teach them what they need to know. There’s a lot of pressure and I’m usually overwhelmed and at my wit’s end with where to start. But I’m asking for help there too and people are stepping up. Sometimes you just gotta say, I NEED THIS, and low and behold, people say ok. And if not, you go somewhere else for help. Either way, it’s important and part of growing up.

I still think this job is extremely hard. I’m not letting myself say after a good day, “Okay, I love this and I’m finally getting the hang of it!” I just drive home and say, “Today was a good day.” Tomorrow will be different – each day has it’s own struggles and joys – but if I know that, I don’t freak out when my students don’t listen to a word I say and think I’m the worst person on the planet. I’m learning not to react emotionally to them because they love that. I’ve gotta keep my cool and remember whose I am.

Today I was rocking out to some old-school Amy Grant in the car (can’t help it, Joanna had me listening to it since before I could talk) and this song came on. I sang it loudly and smiled at the words. Love has found a way into my crazy circumstances because He always does. I really like that about Him.

from Find a Way, Amy Grant

I know this life is a strange thing – I can’t answer all the whys – Tragedy always finds me – Taken again by surprise

I could stand here an angry young woman – Taking all the pain to heart – But I know that love can bring changes – And so we’ve got to move on

Love will find a way (how do you know?) – Love will find a way (how can you see?) – I know it’s hard to see the past and still believe – Love is gonna find a way – I know that love will find a way (a way to go) – Love can make a way (only love can know) – Leave behind the doubt – Love’s the only out – Love will surely find a way

If our God his son not sparing – Came to rescue you – Is there any circumstance – That he can’t see you through?

Love will find a way…

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here comes the Sun

I feel like I have been walking around  with a dark rain cloud over my head these  past few weeks. Kind of like Pig Pen from  Charlie Brown, except instead of a cloud  of dirt surrounding me, the emotional  weather of my life has been grey and  dreary. This could be from S.A.D. –  Seasonal Affective Disorder – that I think  I might suffer from during these months. I tend to throw that term around loosely,  but it really could be true. January,  February and March have traditionally been hard months for me to push through. We have the cold of winter without the excitement of the holidays.

But Spring does come! Hallelujah.

I got a taste of Spring in my soul this weekend and I finally feel some joy in life again. I spent Friday night and Saturday in Greensboro with committee and leaders in our YL region and it was great. Not only did I get to see lots of people across the state that I know and love, but I got to worship and learn at the feet of those wiser than me. For once, I didn’t have to be the teacher! I just let their words and the truth about Jesus wash over me. My parents were there – it’s always great to see them and hug them and hear my dad sing real loud – and Charlotte, my youngest sister, was with her YL crew too. I’m so glad she was there because she made me laugh. And let me tell you, I just don’t laugh with people the way I do with my siblings. When we’re together, the laughter bubbles from some deep place within me and spills forth in uncontrollable quantities. It’s the best thing ever. We giggle a lot. The other day I was thinking that it had been a while since I’d truly laughed and felt the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Thankfully Charlotte came along at just the right time and helped me tap into that source. If only Will, Emma and Jill could have been there…

That light-hearted feeling lasted all through the night and I found myself glad to be back at Salem and laughing with my girls. I was genuinely glad to see them. They bring a smile to my face and I’ve missed spending time with them lately. Life is good at that sweet school.

I think what happened this weekend is that I realized I need to let go of this sadness and let the rain cloud lift. I need to say goodbye to frustration and anxiety about my job because, let’s be real, it’s just not helping. Are things hard at work? Heck yeah. When people ask me how my job is going, I really only say one thing: “It’s hard.” I can’t say yet: “It’s great!” because I just don’t feel that. But that’s okay. Sometimes things in life are just hard and we do them for the glory of God, not because they make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. As hard as this job is and I’ve found it hard to get out of bed in the morning to face the day, I am reminded that God is with me. And I just need to ask for help. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I’ve allowed myself to get buried under the weight of it all. I need to reach my hand up through the mess and let someone grab hold of it.

I don’t feel like I’ve merely made the decision to “be happy!” and pretend everything is okay. I think what is happening is that I’m remembering these words from my Heavenly Father: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). He is in control. He won’t leave me. He has a plan for me. I’ve got to just remember that and trust it! I can do all things through Him and nothing without Him. Oh that I would not forget this today and tomorrow and the next day. And the next.

So, farewell storm clouds – it’s a new, sunny day and I know the One that brings forth the sun. His light is so much more fun than the darkness.

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