I’m Not Who I Was

It’s a beautiful thing when I stumble across a recording artist that I feel is a musical soulmate. Whether it be the lyrics or just the composition of the music, that person or band just sings and plays what I’ve never been able to put into words. I’ve felt this way for a long time about Coldplay and I recently discovered this in Brandon Heath. I definitely connect to Coldplay’s lyrics, but I respond more the music itself. But Brandon writes words that make me go, “Yes, yes, uh huh, yup.” I want to write songs someday, but I like it when someone else writes something that taps into the deepest parts of my heart and says what I’ve been trying to say for so long.

I first heard the following song at Windy Gap in June. They played it while I and some of the other leaders did “Cardboard Testimonies” – we came on stage and held up a cardboard sign that said who we used to be, then flipped it over and revealed who we are now in Christ. It’s really powerful. Anyway, they played this song and I didn’t really listen to the lyrics, except for the tag line “I’m not who I was.” So naturally I thought of Jesus and the song moved me that day. It seemed perfect. I mean, I’m a new creation! I am definitely not who I was. Thank God.

But a few weeks ago, I listened to the song again and really listened to the words. I even looked up the lyrics because I’m visual, and it turns out that this song is really about a relationship. After hearing it again with this new insight, it immediately catapulted itself into my list of top 5 favorite songs. You see, there was a boy in my life for a long time and even though he’s been out of my life now for as long as he was in it, he left a footprint on my heart. I think of him from time to time and wonder how he’s doing – sometimes I want to hate him or blame him for everything that happened between us, but I know that we both hurt each other. I’ve worked through a lot of those feelings and have really truly forgiven him and myself. I hope that if I saw him on the street I’d smile warmly and ask him how he’s doing. Maybe we’d grab a cup of coffee and laugh about the old days. But even if I never see him again, I know that it has all been redeemed in my heart. I am healed and I’m not who I was.

Read the words of this song because you’ll catch a glimpse of this Brandon Heath guy and you’ll actually know me better. If I could write a song to that boy from my past, this would be it. It sums up everything I feel about that relationship and brings even more healing to a part of myself that I’ll never forget.


I’m Not Who I Was, by Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I’m not who I was

Used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt-side too

But I’m not who I was

I found my way around

To forgiving you, sometime ago

But I never got to tell you


I found us in a photograph

Saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I’m not who I was

There you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it’s a funny thing

Figured out I can sing

Now I’m not who I was

I write about love and such

Maybe because I want it so much

I’m not who I was

I was thinkin’ maybe I

I should let you know

That I am not the same

But I never did forget your name


But the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to live it out

Maybe that’s what love is all about

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I’m not who I was

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