Here’s to Hindsight

I’ve always wanted to travel back in time. Who hasn’t? There have been many movies and tv shows made on the subject – what was that one with Michael J. Fox? I like watching those things and pretending that it could be real. Although, for any of you who have read The Time Traveler’s Wife, you see how time travel could be very unpleasant.

But still, I can’t help but wonder. I’ve learned a lot as I’ve grown up and I just wish I could go back and give myself some advice. I want to love that girl and tell her that she shouldn’t spend so much time wishing she was someone else or somewhere else. Sometimes I want to go back and make different choices in high school and see what would have happened. If I hadn’t done that…where would I be? Who would I be? There’s just no way to know.

Deep in my heart, I know that I did what I did because of who I was and what I knew at the time. I mean, of course now, in my later twenties I would do things differently. I saw how it turned out and some parts of what I chose were yucky. But I know that I made decisions based on the maturity I had at the time. Yes, some of those decisions were not the wisest choice, but I made them out of the passion and desire I felt at the time.

The reason I’m thinking of all of this now is because I wish that it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going. Heck, I still haven’t figured it out. But I’m on the right track and God and I are actively talking about it. But I just wish I wasn’t such a late bloomer (if there is such a thing). Of course, I know that all of the choices I made in my teens and early twenties have brought me to this very moment. They brought me to the feet of Jesus, to a deeper faith than I ever thought possible at age 16. I am who I am because of where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Why would I want to change that?

Like I’ve said, what a bittersweet journey life is. As much as we might long to change the things of the past, those things make us who we are. How can I yearn to change something that ultimately led me to a place of knowing God in such an intimate way? So, I’m okay with not being able to travel back in time. Maybe one day I’ll just write a novel of “what could have been.” But for now, I’m at peace with who I am and where I’ve been. And that’s peace enough for me.

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