Monthly Archives: January 2010

Here’s to Hindsight

I’ve always wanted to travel back in time. Who hasn’t? There have been many movies and tv shows made on the subject – what was that one with Michael J. Fox? I like watching those things and pretending that it could be real. Although, for any of you who have read The Time Traveler’s Wife, you see how time travel could be very unpleasant.

But still, I can’t help but wonder. I’ve learned a lot as I’ve grown up and I just wish I could go back and give myself some advice. I want to love that girl and tell her that she shouldn’t spend so much time wishing she was someone else or somewhere else. Sometimes I want to go back and make different choices in high school and see what would have happened. If I hadn’t done that…where would I be? Who would I be? There’s just no way to know.

Deep in my heart, I know that I did what I did because of who I was and what I knew at the time. I mean, of course now, in my later twenties I would do things differently. I saw how it turned out and some parts of what I chose were yucky. But I know that I made decisions based on the maturity I had at the time. Yes, some of those decisions were not the wisest choice, but I made them out of the passion and desire I felt at the time.

The reason I’m thinking of all of this now is because I wish that it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going. Heck, I still haven’t figured it out. But I’m on the right track and God and I are actively talking about it. But I just wish I wasn’t such a late bloomer (if there is such a thing). Of course, I know that all of the choices I made in my teens and early twenties have brought me to this very moment. They brought me to the feet of Jesus, to a deeper faith than I ever thought possible at age 16. I am who I am because of where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Why would I want to change that?

Like I’ve said, what a bittersweet journey life is. As much as we might long to change the things of the past, those things make us who we are. How can I yearn to change something that ultimately led me to a place of knowing God in such an intimate way? So, I’m okay with not being able to travel back in time. Maybe one day I’ll just write a novel of “what could have been.” But for now, I’m at peace with who I am and where I’ve been. And that’s peace enough for me.

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Love one another. Yeah, that’ll be easy.

The gloomy, wintry weather takes its toll on me after a while. I know a lot of people probably feel this way, but January through March is just rough. What is it about sunlight that actually is good for our souls? One thing I miss about Colorado is the constant sunshine. It would get pretty cold, but you could almost always count on it being sunny. There wasn’t all this rain and cloudiness. Now, there are times when I enjoy a cloudy, cold day. But months of it? No thanks. I’m looking forward to the days ahead when I can stop bundling up to go outside and let my feet breathe in flip flops. Oh, come soon Spring…

By the by, do you have people in your life that are…how do I put this…taxing on you? I don’t want to say they’re hard to love, because it might not even be that obvious. It’s not that they make you want to scream and pull your hair out every time you talk to them. It’s more that they just maybe rub you the wrong way or don’t speak your language. I’ve spent time with a few of those people and it’s hard. But I know I can’t just avoid those situations, because Jesus calls us to be uncomfortable and love everyone. And it’s even harder when it’s a high school kid. Why? Because as a Young Life leader, and general lover of young people, I want to reach out to every kid. Even (maybe especially) the kids that make me uncomfortable or annoy me. I want to put my selfishness and pride aside long enough to see the person beneath the exterior. You know what? I just want to be like Jesus. It’s so stinking hard. But thank God for grace and mercy and a God that is so unbelievely,  furiously loving it takes my breath away.

I’m getting ready to start a bible study with some girls at  school. We probably won’t call it Campaigners  per se, but it will be me and some girls studying the Word. One girl came to me last semester with the desire to do this for her friends, so we’re working on how its going to look. I’m thinking that I want to give her more ownership of this thing. I’ll be there to help her, but it would be awesome to set her up as a leader at her school. I’m praying. Around every corner is new territory I haven’t seen, but it’s GOOD. God’s at work at the school and I’m just glad I get to be a small part of it.

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Mary’s…and God, of course

Today I had brunch with two girls from school at my new favorite restaurant. It’s a little diner near the school called Mary’s of Course. It’s so good! I had a tofu burrito – that alone should let you know how much I fell in love with it this morning. It’s funky with lots of cute things and art on the wall for sale. We got there right before the line got long. It’s a hot spot. These girls go here quite a bit and know the people who work there – so I think I’m going to start going with them every weekend. And maybe try to work there this summer…?? Could be fun…

I love these girls. They’re part of a group of girls that I just love to hang out with because they’re fun and real. They like to talk about deep stuff and they think about deep stuff. The thing I like is that they’re willing to talk about God and spirituality, even though they’re either athiest or agnostic or whatever. We talked about it some this morning and I hope we have many more conversations like this to come. We’re just talking about things that matter. Isn’t that what life is all about?

“Dear Lord, give us the teenagers that we may lead them to Thee. Our hearts ache for the millions of young people who remain untouched by the Gospel and for the tragically large proportion of those who have dropped by the wayside and find themselves without spiritual guidance. Help us to give them a chance, Oh Father, a chance to become aware of thy Son’s beauty and healing power in the might of the Holy Spirit. Oh, Lord Jesus, give us the teenagers, each one at least long enough for a meaningful confrontation with Thee. We are at best unprofitable servants, but thy grace is sufficient. Oh, thou Holy Spirit, give us the teenagers. For we love them and know them to be awfully lonely. Dear Lord, give us the teenagers.”    (Jim Rayburn, founder of Young Life)

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An internet-free weekend

On Friday night I decided that I was sick of looking at my computer screen. I’d been watching a lot of LOST episodes – getting ready for the AMAZING Feb 2 premiere – and checking facebook way to much. Does that happen to you? I find that I check my e-mail/fb every few hours, only to find nothing new. I think it’s because I want to feel connected to the outside world. Or feel like people care about me enough to write on my wall.

But that’s no way to live. So I decided not to turn on my computer or watch TV all weekend. The television part sort-of happened – could I help it that the NFL playoffs and the Golden Globes were on Sunday?! I watched those with Mom and Dad…I’m okay with that exception. Anyway, what a nice, refreshing few days. I actually slept more and found that I was pretty tired. Not sure why. But I slept well and dreamt a lot (always a sign of good sleep). By the way, if you are friends with me, chances are I have had or will have a dream about you at some point. I’ve got a crazy, vivid imagination. I like it. Anyway, I’ve decided to spend less time on the internet each day and just…live.

On Saturday afternoon, I was on duty and of course some girls hung out with me for a bit. One of the nice things about not watching TV was that I actually wanted to spend time with them – I wasn’t thinking the whole time, “Ok, nice to see you but leave now so I can finish this episode or movie.” Some of the girls were dancing for me and we laughed a lot. I love watching them dance! They keep me up to date on the latest songs/dance moves (and my sisters know I’m always out of date). I just love that these girls want to hang out with me and feel comfortable with me.

So, it was a nice, quiet weekend. Not a lot of girls were around because of MLK weekend, so I got to spend some good time alone. I think I’m more of an introvert than I’d like to admit – after YL leadership last night, I was way over-stimulated and exhausted when I got home. I started reading Mere Christianity on Saturday and am almost done. It’s so good! The whole time I’m reading it, I’m thinking, “This makes so much sense!” I love a book I can’t put down. I’ll probably read some of his other stuff soon.

One last thing: I LOVE playing the piano and learning the guitar. Dad helped me with some basics on Sunday. Right now, my fingers are sore, but my heart is swelling with joy. One of the things the Lord created in me is a passion and joy for music – it makes me feel so alive. Who knows how He’ll use that or where He’ll take me, but all I know is that I’m ecstatic to be using the gift He’s given me. Thanks, Jesus!

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Way to Go, Kelly & Mark

I’m hopelessly romantic. I can’t help it – it’s just the way God made me. I like romantic movies, I love listening to romantic songs, and I dream of the  day when I get to spend the rest of my days with the love of my life and my best friend. That’s not to say I’m not content in life, because I am so thankful for this season and wow, am I falling in love with Jesus. So I can wait forever if this is what the waiting is like.

But I digress. Today, while I was waiting for my car to be serviced at the  Toyota dealership, Regis and Kelly were on TV. They’re hilarious! Best day-time show, hands down. Anyway, sometimes Kelly’s husband, Mark Consuelos, co-hosts and those are my favorite days. He didn’t today, but he was there and came on screen for something (couldn’t really hear that well). He and Kelly have been married for around 10 years I think and they are precious. I love seeing couples in Hollywood stick it out. I mean, I love seeing any couple who stay married for years and years (Bill and Jo – 31 years, HOLLA), but I feel like so many relationships in the entertainment industry fail. I find myself nervous that Mark and Kelly won’t make it, but I have faith they will. They seem solid and honestly still very much in love. So are Regis and his wife! And Freddie Prinze Jr. was on – he’s married to Sarah Michelle Gellar and they have a baby girl (adorable). I’m proud of them too. The romantic in me is pleased and hopes all these couples will make it work. Oh, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner – another fave.

In other news, I finally got my NC  driver’s license and registered my car. *sigh* I am officially a resident of this lovely state and I have finally said “see you later” to Colorado. Not goodbye…just “see you later.” I’m a little sad because, man, I love that place. But God is blessing me immensely here and I know this is where I need to be. I never would have thought this little state in the southeast would end up being home, but it is. And maybe I’ll end up back in CO again someday…I don’t think that story’s over…

One last thing: check out this poem by W.B. Yeats. It’s beautiful – and, of course, about love – and they read it in one of my favorite movies, Must Love Dogs. The last line is my favorite.

Brown Penny

I whispered, ‘I am too young,’

And then, ‘I am old enough;’

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

‘Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair.’

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the moon

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

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